Oh wow what a week, I am not sure where to start.
I went to a party! I mean, I
went to a party. I used my name not the body name. I was out as multiple there -- it is for a website I follow (The Toast
) and I comment a lot and I am pretty open about being multiple in the comments although I have never really explained why it is that I use the plural a lot. So at the party there was no reason not to just be me, and there was a point where someone said 'Oh you are Bryn Plus Others!' and I said 'Yes! I am not very good at driving so the others drove.' And everyone laughed and the conversation moved on and it was just really nice because I do not have any idea what was going on in anyone else's head or what they understood about it all and I didn't really care at all. They will ask if they want to know, or maybe (just maybe) we will try to write an article about it. But the ethos of the community around the site is that they accept people as they are if those people are not being jerks, and they call out the jerks, and so nobody is fussed if I use plural pronouns or say the other people in my body drove me to BART.
So that in itself was amazing. The party was fun, I talked to some great people (not as many as I meant to, it was very crowded and hot and loud and I met some people early on who were friendly and just stuck to them) and met a cute girl who was interested in me but has not emailed me back which is actually just fine because I think I was a little in over my head. I realised last night that I really am 14 and it makes things in the body complicated, our body is a lot older than that, and even though (based on reporting) we look much younger than we are -- we are physically close to 40 but we are being mistaken for late 20s a lot lately -- still, late 20s is not 14. So people have certain expectations based on seeing us. But I am
14 and so my reactions to things do not match my body age, which I think is just fine for going to parties and light socialising but if I am going to try to have a closer relationship to someone new (romantic or not) I am going to have to figure out how to make that clear. Plus the ethics of it make my head hurt. When we were visiting our friends for the 4th of July I talked a lot to their 18-yr-old son, and it was fine, we as a system have known him since he was born. But then after I had some sort of vaguely romantic dreams about him, and it was weird because, well, we have known him since he was born! He is a lot younger than us! And it would just not be okay in any way as far as I am concerned to get involved with him (which is not remotely a possibility), but emotionally he is a guy just a couple of years older than me, so I have to sort of check my responses so they are appropriate to the age difference. It is a little hard but there is just no question, he is a kid.
With meeting new people who are older but still a lot younger than us, though, it is trickier. The cute girl was in her late 20s and so on the one hand she is younger than us (although not enough so that I think it is a problem), but she is a lot lot older than me
and I just ... really felt it, that where she is and what she would expect is another adult, and I am not. I do not think it would be impossible to work out with someone, but it would be a very slow process because I think it would take a lot of singletons a lot of focus to remember that I am 14 even though the body is almost-40 and if they really do
accept that I am 14, would they want to date me if they were late-20s? I am not 14 the way a singleton would be 14, after all, but still.
This probably sounds like I am really worried or stressed about it, and actually I am not. I just had not actually realised all of this until last night. If the right person comes along and wants to try and I want to try (and our partner is okay with it and so forth) then we will try and see. But it is very interesting to see all the complications up close and also just to be there, really really there and in this situation and realise that I am not adult and to be so glad that I do not have to be, and that everyone else was there to back me up or help me out and that if I did get in really over my head someone would step in. (Sean did a little bit at the end, just to make a clean goodbye point, which worked because it changed the energy.) And then there was a whole other set of emotional things happening linked to the past and being in the part of the system that I am in, and riding that out was very tough and I felt very, very lucky that I could go to Cassandra and Dominic outside of words and just lean on them while it went through. I think it has now, but if there is more then it will come when it does. I might write about it later or not. Now I need to pack things up so we can go pick up our kids!