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[personal profile] brynplusplus
Well I am really here in the body for the first time in a long time. I had not realised how not-here I have been until just now that I am here. I am blaming a lot of things for the being back; we have started therapy again and found a therapist who is very good so far (although the whole idea of doing therapy is very very mixed and it is so expensive and that is a rabbit hole I am stepping over, see I can learn!) and I came out last week to talk to her on purpose but this week (today) I ended up out without meaning to. I think partly it was because her little white noise thing at the door was making the sound of crickets which is a growing-up sound that they do not usually have here. But in between therapy a week ago and therapy today also we did yoga on the weekend, YouTube yoga because going to an actual studio is not something we are ready for yet and also it costs money. And dear reader, yoga is the most wrong of wrong things in the world, it is the exact opposite of everything we learned to do with our body and energy and ... oh it is awful. Which means it is very very good for us (my us) I think. I might even try doing some tonight, I don't know.

I am not sure why I was gone except for the time.

Anyway right now I am here in the body and I am having feelings. I had kind of stopped doing that! And I had truly forgotten about how last year I was having lots of feelings about things all the time, but then just now I was reading back here to find out when I had turned 14, and so I saw me writing about all the feelings I had. And that is when I realised that the autumn me and winter me is not the 'real' me. (Dominic kind of said this the other night which started me thinking, too.) I guess the spring me and summer me is not the 'real' me either, I guess they are all me. But it is one thing to know in my mind that there is a calendar in the body and another thing to see it in myself. It makes me want to rip it out which is not how anyone else feels about it, at least not anyone who talks about it. But how dare that be there? I did not pick it myself even if we did. The thing is I do not think I need to rip (even if I could which I am not sure if I could, and if someone else tried I can tell I would fight all the way through), I think it will probably go away on its own with time, like things melting. But maybe not all the way, ever? I am not sure. It does not matter what I think, though, that is a good thing about the world.

I am going to go back to watching Sailor Moon Crystal and eating a cookie and maybe drinking more; Cassandra was going to have a pleasurable night writing to Dominic and drinking marsala and reading and doing more yoga, but I ended up out by accident again (when Nicholas was trying to talk to Shandra) and so it was clear this is going to be my evening. I did not know I would spend it with all these FEELINGS though. At least I am alone so nobody is trying to fix it. And since my body is not a teenager I can drink hard cider as much as I want, as long as we can get up in the morning and get our daughter to school and play with our son and everything. But drinking just makes me sleepy before I really get drunk anyway so that is not really a risk. :-)
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Bryn (Plus Everyone Else!)

December 2015

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