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Look! I am posting!

It has been forever because I have not been taking much time in the body, and also because Cassandra has been focusing on writing, and making some very good progress on it. But it is a Friday and we have to go to our daughter's school in an hour to help out with her holiday party and listen to her holiday sing-a-long and so forth, so there is definitely not going to be any writing today, and also we are sick in the body so not really feeling focused, and we have finished a lot of books lately so are not in the mood to read so -- look, here I am!

It is funny how I can go months and months without expressing myself in any way really, not here or anywhere else, and then suddenly I start to talk/write again and it is lovely and feels not just wonderful but vital, like I am alive. Which I think means I don't feel very alive when I am not expressing myself, but I'm not sure; when I don't want to I really, really don't want to and it feels horrible to try to make myself. I am sure it is fine however it is but I am curious about it because I like this more, and also Cassandra has this theory that when we get shut down it is about shame, which is an emotion that I know the word for but until recently nobody really knew what it felt like. Sometimes now we can spot it, but I think for my part of the system shame is just that feeling like you have to hold as still as possible and just cannot talk/share/move/desire/look/hear/etc. When it is really bad we don't want to get out of bed but with two kids lying in bed isn't really possible, which is a good thing since it means we are out living our life.

Anyway, it is a new thought, that the shutdown feeling I have been experiencing where I don't want to communicate with anyone or even write down my own thoughts for myself, might be a kind of shame about being seen and fear of being judged and all those things. I am not sure yet what I think but I am going to keep it in mind. In the meanwhile I am writing here right now, and I am hoping to maybe get a penpal or two via Instagram but it is hard because I am not only 15 but I am really not 40, so I don't feel like I can just write back to someone who says 'I want a penpal between 15 and 30...' -- where do I fall? So I am posting my own ad instead about being multiple but we will see what happens. I have gotten penpals like 87 times in my life and always, always, always when it comes time to write them back I just fall apart and don't, and sometimes other people do, or they bridge it and I do some of it, but always inevitably that paralysis happens and I just cannot stand even the THOUGHT of writing to someone and then a year goes by. Ugh. This time I am going to think it is shame and deal with it directly and not let it win. But first I need the penpal!

I am being reminded we need to change into Mommy Clothes which is true, I am wearing fleece pants and a way too big sweater, it is very cold outside (for here) and our house doesn't have central heat so to stay warm we have lots of comfy old clothes on. But I will not be happy if we go to the school like this, I have a bunch of Mommy Uniforms which are jeans & shirts & stuff that are current and not stained. Anyway, I should go do that.
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Bryn (Plus Everyone Else!)

December 2015

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