Sep. 16th, 2014


Sep. 16th, 2014 11:59 am
brynplusplus: (Default)
I have not felt like writing in a long time. I don't really feel like writing now, but I thought I would anyway. Things are not bad here but very busy; our daughter started school and it is very very complicated. Not for her, she loves it and has a fantastic teacher and is really thriving. But for us it is complicated, going to a school every day, some very familiar smells and the sound of walking on concrete and it just brings the past back very strongly. Some people got very frantic trying not to deal with it but now there is more space, which is good because I really do believe that things move through, but it is awful to be in the middle of them moving through. I am having one of those times when I am just so angry at... well, people, I guess. Because kids get raped and used all the time and so many people manage to believe it is this vanishingly rare thing that hardly ever occurs, and then meanwhile these same people create the culture of abuse and usage that makes it so easy for this to happen and so hard for the kids to be believed. Ugh. I do not like going through my days angry and sad and feeling the past. I hope it changes soon.
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Well I posted that last entry feeling not so good, and then I found this lovely discussion of Lev Grossman's The Magicians on [personal profile] rachelmanija's journal and suddenly I am feeling much better about the entire world. Because there are books and other people read them and want to talk about them? I am not really sure.

Cassandra just said because I am lonely and that made me feel less lonely. And well, it is true, I am a little lonely. But I think it is not so much that I am lonely right now as that being wrapped up in the past is very isolating, both because in the past we were actually very isolated, but also because in the present it means that the sorts of stuff I am thinking about is stuff that does not usually come up in casual conversation, or even in less-casual conversation, it is the sort of stuff you talk about to your most intimate friends when there's a lot of space and time and room to breathe. Or even then maybe not, because who wants to hear about this kind of thing? And do I really want to talk about it? Ugh.

It is hard to put my finger on because it is not as though I do not have people who will listen. I can think of lots of people who will listen. But I am not sure I want to be listened to warmly and patiently. I want to be talking about something interesting! It is all so annoying. I would rather talk about Quentin in The Magicians and have new thoughts about that, and I guess that is the other reason it cheered me up some, because it is so nice to have new thoughts. Not just, oh yes, the world has all these awful things in it, and everyone pretends it does not, and I don't know what to do about it and I am angry.

That is kind of in a circle, but it is where I am right now.


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